11/02/22

Domestic Abuse, Child Contact and the Family Courts – what impact did lockdown have on women, children and young people?

For many women, leaving an abusive partner does not mean the end of the power and control exerted by the perpetrator.

After safety, one of the biggest issues can be child contact. Women are expected to facilitate this either informally as part of a verbal agreement or more formally if contact has been set by a family court. During lockdown. women were tasked with arranging video or telephone calls and visits with dad. Mums were often scared to challenge this and worried about the repercussions if they did. They worried about facing verbal abuse from their ex partner, or his/her family and friends or that their decisions would mean the court would view them as creating barriers between parent and child. Virtual contact was intrusive as it gave the abuser visual access to the woman’s home.

Covid-19 brought other issues such as fears that children wouldn’t be returned after contact as ongoing restrictions meant that ex-partners could say they had to self-isolate for 14 days, claiming they had symptoms of the virus. Or children could be taken to visit several households while on overnight contact or even left in the care of another adult from another household. Women feared their children weren’t safe during contact when some dads continued to flout the social distancing guidelines.

For too long the misconception has existed that mothers hold all the power in the family courts. Too often the reality is the opposite with vulnerable mothers left powerless, endangered and belittled. Family courts and children’s services were used by perpetrators to continue their controlling behaviour over their victims. The family court process has been described as “traumatic” by women and the impact of unsafe child contact in families where there has been, or still is, domestic
abuse can be devastating.

Child contact has always been a way in which men who abuse their partners continue to try to control them after they have left. As Women’s Aid workers, we strive to support women and children through the process, through the highs and lows, challenges and achievements.

For more information on child contact and family courts see the links below.

Scottish family court advice now published – Shared Parenting Scotland

Family law – gov.scot (www.gov.scot)

Family Court Process in Scotland: 5 Steps to Child Custody (custodyxchange.com)

Family court process to be more child friendly – gov.scot (www.gov.scot)

It was beginning to look a lot like Christmas…..

What a few weeks it has been.

We had a fun Christmas wreath making workshop followed by a lovely Christmas meal, we had the tree up in the office and the Christmas spirit was in abundance. Presents for the women and children were stacking up, some wrapped, some still to wrap, the family Christmas party was planned and the staff team were busy making sure that every women, child and young person would have something to open on Christmas day…then everything changed and to keep in line with ongoing guidelines, we found ourselves back working from home.

That didn’t stop us forging ahead with plans and we adapted to working together, just apart.

The support from our local community, as well as other donors further afield, has been nothing short of phenomenal. From vouchers to food hampers, from gifts for children of all ages to treats for women, we’ve had it all donated.

Thank you to each and every person who got in touch to offer presents and money to ensure that the women, children and young people we support have the best Christmas possible. I can assure you there will be lots of happy faces on Christmas morning.

Check out our Facebook page for further information on donors and donations.

We will soon be closing for our festive break, opening times available here Christmas opening hours

On behalf of the team at Wigtownshire Women’s Aid, I would like to take this opportunity to wish you all a safe and healthy festive season.

SSSSHHH

He’s quiet now.

Sleeping.

His usually tidy hair soaked with sweat

I look at him with love. Or hate. Or both

And I wonder

Is this what all monsters look like when they are sleeping?

He’s quiet now

Deep in slumber

The enormity of what just happened envelops me and sadness fills the air like invisible thick black smoke.

Choking me.

It was MY fault. It’s always my fault.

A single tear trickles down my face.

Alone. Like me.

HE may be quiet but there’s still noise

I cover my ears to drown out the sound. But I know only I can hear it

Hammering in my head, LOUD.

So loud.

I want it to stop.

I wanted HIM to stop.

Yet here I am. Reliving it. Over and over.

That look. Cold and threatening. Like a wild animal. And I’m his prey, fear coursing through my veins

Because we’ve been here before and I know what comes next.

I want to run

Why can’t I run?

The cruel words, taunting, stinging my already fragile soul

USELESS. IDIOT.

He deserves better.

I’m sure that’s what he said.

Before the words turned into punches and all I could hear was my own trapped screams and my soul shattering.

Silently

Because he doesn’t like hearing ME

He’s so quiet now

His anger abated

Through my swollen eyes I see the mess and I mourn the promises and dreams now broken into pieces.

Like the plate his carefully prepared dinner was on before the rage

It was his favourite

It had changed yet I didn’t know. How did I not know?

He’s right. I am STUPID. IDIOT. WORTHLESS

My heart hurts more than any bruise ever will

Rage, fury, face twisted. Red for danger.

It’s MY fault he gets angry, it’s MY fault he gets mad and it’s MY fault that he hurts me

I’m the worst he’s ever had. He says.

Just words.

But they cut through me like a sharpened blade

He said “why can’t you just be quiet WOMAN” as his fist crashed into my face

But I WAS quiet.

It was he who wasn’t.

PATHETIC. UGLY. USELESS, DISGRACE

I’m not worthy of this mighty man, I’m a total waste of space

But there it is again.

A tiny whisper from within my being

Trying to be heard, trying to make me listen

Questioning, wondering

What happened to the young me?

SHE was SO full of hope. And grand plans for a life filled with adventure and friendship and love.

Definitely love.

Back in those carefree, fun filled days with music and friends and fun and laughter and dance.

Oh how we danced as we watched the sun set on another day filled with memories to cherish

And I realise

That’s all I have left. Memories.

The friends, fun and laughter are gone now. Lost forever.

And I have no tune to dance to

I remember being asked ‘what do you want to be when you grow up’

But I don’t remember saying sad, hurt, lonely.

ABUSED

Yet here I am.

Being quiet.

But HE’s quiet now

I like it when he’s quiet

Ssshhhhh

Anonymous.

My Story by Sophie

The sound of my alarm woke me up, I was dreading the day already, I peered through the window and was met with a cold breeze that hit my sensitive skin, the sound of the rain falling gave me peace and relaxation and a safe feeling. As the day went by, I was called by my teacher “hey Sophie” the office wants you. I had this feeling or was it intuition it was not going to be sweet and oh boy was I right. As I stepped in to the head teacher’s office I examined the room, I felt confused to why I was there and why my ex-head teacher Mrs Windrush was there too, her facial expressions told me she had something to say and I was not too sure I would like It.

She asked me to sit down I could see her mouth move but could not hear what she was saying, I was in a daze, Mrs Windrush asked me if I was okay but all I was thinking about was her name I always thought it was a stupid name. Mrs Windrush. Mrs Windrush like the wind rushing through the trees. Then I heard her say Sophie, Sophie…. suddenly I brought myself back to reality.

Mrs Windrush started talking about my dad, saying mum packed up some of our belongings and was at my old school with my brothers and sisters. I was told I would not see my dad again. I was flabbergasted and shocked. I just didn’t know what to say, a tear dropping on to my delicate skin, the redness in my eyes was obvious. Still in disbelief we went to the police station I still couldn’t comprehend what happened. I just shrugged it off. Hours later we were all in a hotel for the night, more and more people were talking to mum. We moved from house to house to house to house we kept moving and it took a major toll on me.

Social workers were always at our home asking us questions about home life. I would lie and say that nothing questionable happened just to protect my dad but one day I decided to reflect on everything, my childhood. So you see, I now realise my childhood was questionable. Things that I knew from the get go were wrong. Whenever I did anything wrong Dad would put me in this little storage room which had no windows, it was really dusty and he put me in there. I would say this was the least painful thing, I recall my “FATHER” would beat me for the stupidest things like if I did not read my school book he would beat me with a stick, his leg, his hand, broom, teeth and threats.  He would get his finger and dig it in to my collar bone. I would feel so much pain from this, the pain would last days and I wouldn’t be able to move my arm for days. The beatings were not the most painful thing. His words were so harming. I would threaten to kill myself he would laugh and say “do it do it “it hurt so much.

As a kid I would get weird intrusive thoughts, doing something like reading I would get intrusive thoughts I would feel so tired of the voices in my head and when I went home it was no better. So when I reflected, I got thinking and realised I am not saying anything about my Dad, it was him who did it. His actions caused consequences. If my mum never got help, I would be in a different country with no passport and dad would leave us there.

I love you. Thank you for listening.  As written by Sophie (age 12) for staff in our safe accommodation.