SSSSHHH

He’s quiet now.

Sleeping.

His usually tidy hair soaked with sweat

I look at him with love. Or hate. Or both

And I wonder

Is this what all monsters look like when they are sleeping?

He’s quiet now

Deep in slumber

The enormity of what just happened envelops me and sadness fills the air like invisible thick black smoke.

Choking me.

It was MY fault. It’s always my fault.

A single tear trickles down my face.

Alone. Like me.

HE may be quiet but there’s still noise

I cover my ears to drown out the sound. But I know only I can hear it

Hammering in my head, LOUD.

So loud.

I want it to stop.

I wanted HIM to stop.

Yet here I am. Reliving it. Over and over.

That look. Cold and threatening. Like a wild animal. And I’m his prey, fear coursing through my veins

Because we’ve been here before and I know what comes next.

I want to run

Why can’t I run?

The cruel words, taunting, stinging my already fragile soul

USELESS. IDIOT.

He deserves better.

I’m sure that’s what he said.

Before the words turned into punches and all I could hear was my own trapped screams and my soul shattering.

Silently

Because he doesn’t like hearing ME

He’s so quiet now

His anger abated

Through my swollen eyes I see the mess and I mourn the promises and dreams now broken into pieces.

Like the plate his carefully prepared dinner was on before the rage

It was his favourite

It had changed yet I didn’t know. How did I not know?

He’s right. I am STUPID. IDIOT. WORTHLESS

My heart hurts more than any bruise ever will

Rage, fury, face twisted. Red for danger.

It’s MY fault he gets angry, it’s MY fault he gets mad and it’s MY fault that he hurts me

I’m the worst he’s ever had. He says.

Just words.

But they cut through me like a sharpened blade

He said “why can’t you just be quiet WOMAN” as his fist crashed into my face

But I WAS quiet.

It was he who wasn’t.

PATHETIC. UGLY. USELESS, DISGRACE

I’m not worthy of this mighty man, I’m a total waste of space

But there it is again.

A tiny whisper from within my being

Trying to be heard, trying to make me listen

Questioning, wondering

What happened to the young me?

SHE was SO full of hope. And grand plans for a life filled with adventure and friendship and love.

Definitely love.

Back in those carefree, fun filled days with music and friends and fun and laughter and dance.

Oh how we danced as we watched the sun set on another day filled with memories to cherish

And I realise

That’s all I have left. Memories.

The friends, fun and laughter are gone now. Lost forever.

And I have no tune to dance to

I remember being asked ‘what do you want to be when you grow up’

But I don’t remember saying sad, hurt, lonely.

ABUSED

Yet here I am.

Being quiet.

But HE’s quiet now

I like it when he’s quiet

Ssshhhhh

Anonymous.